Down we go...

JEE preparations were in full swing. I was doing coaching work, my own practice, trying to stay ahead of the batch, reading toppers blog, sleeping properly, had a positive attitude, my parents were very supportive and was confident of myself. IIT Bombay Computer Science Engineering (CSE) was set to be the next stop.

Why IIT-Bombay CSE? 

Well it was the preferred choice of all the toppers, the best of the best studied there. Going to IIT-Bombay meant huge respect in the society. Also I wanted to show everyone what I was capable of. I wanted revenge over the crooks of my coaching management. It was my reply to every insult me and my family has ever endured. Graduating from IIT-Bombay and working in an Investment bank/ trading firm will bring me a lot of money and will make all those luxuries possible that my parents have only dream of. The entrepreneurship environment of IIT-Bombay was top notch, the big pool of talent at IIT-B CSE was perfect for any sort of career growth. Best part was that it was in Mumbai closest to the entertainment industry, something I was interested in. I love the feeling of sitting on a beach or a seashore and Mumbai is home to Jhuh and Marine Drive. 

Then took place the first major exam of the institute and soon enough the results were out. Boom! This future IIT Bombay undergrad was at the third place from the bottom of the list at my centre. That hit hard, in case you want a feel of it. IIT B takes around 120 students every year based on their rankings in JEE, an exam taken by millions of students. Let’s do some maths here as per the competent authority responsible for conducting the preliminary exam. 6.52 lakh students appeared for JEE in 2021 (proof attached below).

Now out of these 652,000 students you need to be top 120 to get in, to be honest being in the top 50 is the only guarantee that you will get in. Rest anything between 50-120 translates to an excellent chance of you getting in but not a guarantee at all.

So, 50/652000 = 0.00077 was the probability that I could surely get in.

Coming back, the coaching institute I went to had 1000+ students in every branch, more depending on the city, and had branches in almost all capital/major cities of India. And there I was. Third from the bottom. 

I could not sleep that night, I felt that life for me is over, I will never achieve my dream. This is it, this is the end.

I went back to everything I could have possibly done before the exam and thought about what was possibly the one thing that I might have missed. It was getting heavier for me as there should be some reason for me to fail. I asked my teachers, they were not sure, they said I was already doing everything possible. It was frustrating for me, how could I have failed for no reason at all.

So I made that one mistake that can ruin any happy man’s life.

I started comparing…

And I realised that others were doing more and in order to match them and beat them in a national level competition I got to work way more than them. Since I was already giving every waking hour of my day to studies the only way I could have worked more was to cut some sleep so I started sleeping 6 hours a night, earlier it was 8, 8-6 = 2 extra hours of study every morning. 

I wrote all sorts of motivational quotes in my room, and stuck a big picture of the CSE department of IIT B in front of my study desk. And I was back to work, studying, eating, and sleeping on repeat. Next aim was to get the first rank in the national exams of my coaching. 

And that did not happen. I was still third from the bottom but instead of being on the last page I was now on the second page of the ranking list. Nowhere close to the top rank, this way any IIT was not possible forget about IIT-Bombay.

I decided I will sleep 5 hours max but I will not stop. I started spending the nights solving problems, mornings were meant to cram reactions and days were spent doing coaching work. I was determined to do whatever it takes to make my dream come true. For me there was no life without IIT-Bombay. 

For those two years it was just me and my studies and I was damn serious about everything. I used to get sad for the slightest of mistakes I used to make at my coaching sessions. I did not

attend any family gatherings. My sister’s husband died in Delhi and I did not even go for his funeral because that will require me to miss multiple classes. I wanted to make it happen, whatever the price, I badly wanted to make it. 

And each day I felt I was getting farther and farther away from it, I started getting nightmares where the results clearly meant I will not go make it. My life was miserable. Some days I used to just go on the terrace of my apartment and cry. I used to look up at the evening sky and beg for peace. Because no matter how hard I tried to just let go of the idea of getting into a good college and focus on whatever I could prepare the more depressing it got. 

Since I was raised with all the praises, fueled by arrogance and ego, my mind never kept quiet, meditation, sports, music no matter what I tried, the thought of how I deserved to be in the best institute of India and how badly I was doing never left me. Constantly like an irritating alarm I was tortured by my own dream and desires.

I tried talking this with my parents and I badly needed the help of a counsellor but just like most Indian parents they did not address this issue, mental health problems really never meant a thing for them, they said “it is just the pressure of studies don’t take it too seriously” my father even scolded me once saying “what problem do you have? What sort of doctor should I take you to?” I was alone and for me time was a luxury.

So I decided to keep moving on as it was clear that there were no other options for me.